Category Archives: Uncategorized

New piano sonata.

Work has successfully began on my 4th sonata in C minor and I am particularly pleased with the second movement.  I hope to have the whole work completely finished in a month or so.

Update:  This piece is now complete and dedicated to Jeremy Corbyn MP.


Complete version



HPANWO and Benologism

It is fairly obvious that I do not contribute to this web page very often.  Mainly because I can’t think of anything to write about; well I don’t want to become a writer that just talks about current affairs, many blogs do that already.  So, I only cover things that interest me, like specific parts of science or music.  But, I want to cover again, or see it as an update, the 2001 Space odyssey monolith that is the HPANWO brand.  It is confusing, never ending, and completely (seemingly) pointless.

HPANWO, if you don’t already know, is Hospital Porters Against the New World Order and is headed by Ben Emlyn-Jones from Oxford.  He isn’t a hospital porter anymore, and I don’t have the foggiest or the interest in what his occupation is now; he is very coy over this matter.  Maybe when he works on the dustcarts he can form Waste Administrators Against the NWO, or whatever.  Anyway, my point of this post is to look at the output of HPANWO Voice and other associated branches.  And as far as I know Ben is the only person in the entire organisation.

He will normally spams the fuck out of facebook with every new blog post, almost everyday.  This usually attracts high levels of criticism mainly for the poor quality of the blogs and there strange inaccuracies.  Only yesterday he made a point that fascist dictator Benito Mussolini is hardly known outside of Italy!  So where does he get these ideas from?  What made him think that to print from such poor research?  A while back he claimed to be a right-wing anarchist.  A lot of pressure was put on him to explain what that really entails.  We never did get an answer, so I’ll make up one myself:

A left wing anarchist, you may think, is someone who stands up for the working class by using possible illegal means such as picketing, wildcat strikes, rioting against the establishment, etc.  Really just someone that sees inequality in a wealthy country with the poor getting poorer and the rich richer.  They go about it in means that could land them in prison, possibly.  But if you are poor then they are on your side.  So what is the opposite?  Ben’s right-wing anarchism.  Now I am only following the simple logic of being contrary, or using a sort of chiral disparity.   A RWA would want the establishment to grow and get stronger, they would want to help the rich get richer by curtailing workers’ rights, and making the lives for those at the bottom even more miserable and unbearable.  They would continually lobby the right to get what they want, and they probably have interests in companies that rely on exploitation.

Now, it may be unfair of me to suggest Ben is anything like the latter that I describe.  But his blogs continually bang on about Cultural Marxism and SWM (Straight White Males).  He may want a fairer society but would that be only for the few?  I may be completely wrong but with each day Ben is distancing himself from debating (although to his credit he had an attempt at it today) and rarely posts on his forum.  He gives out the opinions and then refuses to debate on them, then he usually surrounds himself with acolytes who pander after his every word.

Really, he has been sussed out.  Unless he gives more information people are just going to piece whatever they can together and come to their own assumptions.  Ben is like a blog dictator.  But the thing is I don’t think he is a nasty person, just sadly misguided.  So what about Benologism?  Well that is just a word I made up similar to Benetics, Benistry, Benology, Benphysics, Benculus, Bengebra.  They will all be coming to a University near you when the mighty HPANWO rolls into town.  Thankfully he has not reached Dover yet so local skeptics and Astronomy Club members can sigh with relief.  I think he is using some sort of Tesla ray beam massive gun blaster on my head through my WiFi router, though.  I keep getting headaches and sometimes wake up in a frozen cold sweat with the acronym HPANWO burnt into the inside of my eyelids.  Everytime I turn the telly on their is Ben’s face half smiling at me, same with my computer.  Sometimes, it must be an HPANWO virus, my laptop screen just has multiple pictures of Ben’s facebook photo plastered over it.  I scream that he isn’t even a porter anymore, but his smile just gets rosier and more smug.

HPANWO is going to take over the world!  Although not by force but by homoeopaths and orgonite retailers.  They have ruined Glastonbury High Street and want every shop in every town and city across the land to stock magical angels riding unicorns!

Right I’ll explain why that last bit was written.  It is because Ben’s blogs start by patronising the reader, then providing the main course which is usually the most factual part, only to finish with an utterly ridiculous conclusion.  A lot of his blogs end with mentioning the illuminati, or Tavistock, or HAARP, or Chemtrails, or Vaccines, or Shapeshifters, etc as the reason for the problem he is trying to highlight.  So I have used the same format in this post.  Although I haven’t provided links to other posts by myself, Ben does this a lot.  He self-cites, by putting links in the present blog from previous blogs.  Somehow this justifies the point in question.  It doesn’t really, does it?  And if Ben refers to another page it is usually a link to another woo woo ‘researcher’.

Oh, that’ll do!


Bipolar and mixed states.

Sometimes it is hard to know how you can control the next mood change.  At present it feels as if I am getting symptoms of both depression and hypomania.   My psychiatrist, over two weeks ago, increased my dose of sertraline to 200 mg, the maximum dosage.  So since then I have undertaken new projects as my mind started racing.  I intend to write a book that is semi-autobiographical and I have done over 3000 words so far.   It is about parts of my life but some bits will be fictitious,  as I pretend to have discovered the greatest melody ever written .  I have for a long time, since I was about twenty (I am now 37), pondered on the idea that mathematics could present a formula to enable me to find the best tune of all time.

During a recent hypomanic episode, this March/April, I purchased as many text books, the ‘…for Dummies’ ones, about maths and science as I could.  I feverishly worked my way through the first few books and exercise ones as well, thinking I was nearing a point where I could finally solve this musical riddle.  My doctor spotted the hypomania when I saw her in April and increased my dose of quetiapine to 600 mg daily.  This stopped the hypomania dead in its tracks and I was fairly level for a few weeks, until May 8th, the day after the General Election that I stayed up all night to watch.  When the result became clear and the Tories had a majority I cried my eyes out which is something I hadn’t done for a while (I feel that the medication blunts emotions like crying, and hysteria but that is something I just have to live with yet I used to love crying to beautiful music as a way of releasing pent up emotions) and almost immediately my mood plummeted.

Between May 8th to 29th June I was in the grasp of a serious depression and I thought longingly about ending my life, which was constantly going through my head.  There is nothing more disturbing than a human brain planning, or instructing its occupying mind to terminate itself.  Why would it do that?  I feel sad every time I read about people  committing suicide as it defies logic.  Are aim on this planet and during this life is to fight and endeavour to survive, have a safe place to live, be kind to others, and the most obvious, reproducing.  I reached a stage where I had made plans to commit suicide and written notes for my wife and children.  Yet, thankfully I saw the psychiatrist and my care co-ordinator at just the right time.  Seeing as there was room to maneuver with my medications I could take onboard the increase in sertaline.  This has rid me of the suicidal thoughts but like I wrote earlier I think it has tipped me into a mixed state.

In a mixed state you can have racing thoughts and wonderful ideas yet you feel utterly miserable and irritable.  I don’t think I have had a mixed state before, probably have but just didn’t recognise it.  I remember, many years ago, I saw a young doctor who was under the wings of the main psychiatrist, he prescribed me sertraline.  Well I remember my mood rocketing into happy hypomania.  I would stay up late writing and illustrating a comic book about a character I had created (loosely based on an old friend of mine, who actually read it and quite enjoyed it) called The Brizz.   This went on night after night and was long before I was taking lithium.  Also, this period also led to borrowing lots of money and getting into serious debt.   The same thing happened when I was started on citalopram, I was taking 10 mg a day and my mood shot up, which I recognised this time but I had little joy when I tried to explain it to a Community Psychiatric Nurse.

Since taking lithium I have found that it controls the impulses that hypomania brings, but I still get breakthrough symptoms which is what I think I am experiencing at present.  A part of hypomania is aiding me to write this blog post as I couldn’t muster any will to produce if I am in a period of low mood.  This current mixed phase has also led me to play the piano for several hours each day.  I play until sweat is dripping down my face and back.  I imagine I am performing in a concert yet get utterly frustrated when I can’t play a certain passage as well as I could.  At the moment I am devouring JS Bach and his son CPE Bach.  Their compositions are divine and I find myself constantly repeating the most beautiful passages over and over again.  There is a Toccata by JS Bach, that is in E minor BWV 914, the first three movements are full of intertwining wonder but it is the fugue that completes the piece that I listen in awe to.  I can nearly play it, but not quite as well as the humming Glenn Gould.  Sometimes I don’t have the patience to practice tricky passages and get annoyed.  I just want to play perfectly each time, and chastise myself when I get it wrong.

My music tastes vary like my moods do.  I am solidly transfixed by JS Bach and his son at the moment but over time I will venture towards slightly more modern pieces.  This is when Muzio Clementi re-enters my playing life.  I have nearly all of his piano sonatas and while they are fairly difficult I find them a pleasure to play.  Then of course Clementi’s contemporaries Beethoven and Schubert get invested into my playing schedule.  But I love playing and researching (Spotify is the greatest invention of the modern world for finding pieces by lesser known composers) music by ‘minor’ composers such as Dussek and Hummel.  They are worthy of higher esteem but were always in the shadow of Beethoven.

Along with my idea about a most tuneful tune I also wonder if it is impossible to witness our own death.  This all goes back to an American scientist named Hugh Everett III.  He had an interpretation of quantum mechanics that was named the ‘Many Worlds Interpretation’.  As this idea evolved and other scientists latched onto the idea, especially the Swedish physicist Max Tegmark, they said that for every decision you make like going right instead of left and vice versa another ‘you’ in another Universe goes the other way.  So what about the idea of not witnessing your own death?  Well, I am not a qualified scientist but I thought back to all the times I should have died but didn’t.  In a different Universe I did of course, but for some obvious reason we always chose life over death.  I remember driving a Taxi to Woking one Sunday morning.  I had had a good night’s sleep and was looking forward to a simple run around the M25 for which I would earn about fifty quid (after fuel of course).  I was taking an elderly couple home from their holiday on a cruise ship and when we reached the destination the gentlemen thanked me for the journey but handed me five pounds so I could get a coffee on the way home.  Apparently I had been dozing off at the wheel.   So in another Universe that would have ended in tragedy, yet somehow in this one we survived.   This happened quite a lot as during the summer months as the M20 was my second home and I used to get hallucinations from the constant motorway driving, along with persistent micro sleeps.  My dad, also a taxi driver, had once seen a boat go across a motorway bridge because he had been doing so much motorway travelling.  Now I don’t drive and have surrendered my driving license back to the DVLA.  This was because I started to have panic attacks at the wheel which terrified me.  I think about all the miles I used to drive as a taxi driver and now I am crippled when it comes to motoring.  I am not sure what caused this but it may have all the criticism I used to get at work for my driving.

I am probably completely wrong about all of the above, but it is a conjecture that sticks in my unqualified mind.  It’s like the vast amounts of cider and vodka I used to consume from 2005 to 2011, yet my liver is perfectly healthy and there was the time I tried to strangle myself in my dad’s garage, I was 19, yet failed to die as I wanted to.  That is a grim memory from a passage of my life that I would rather forget.  Yet as I was suffocating I saw images of people I knew.  If we do witness out own death then I would imagine it to be like being under a general anaesthetic when you don’t dream, and know nothing.  I suppose I am more worried about how I might die rather than death itself.  Yet is would be nice if Many Worlds interpretation is correct, although you would have to have a demise eventually.

So I thank the sertraline for giving me a small portion of hypomania to be able to compose this rather morbid blog, yet I am a fairly open to writing about these things.  It shouldn’t be a taboo anymore, along with mental illness not being a stigma or a block to stop people progressing in their careers or passions.   When manic I want to take on the world with my ideas and thoughts.  Which is why mental health should be taken as equally important as physical ailments.  I don’t know if this country will ever achieve that as mental health wards are being shut across the county of Kent at least.  I have come across a lot of prejudice when people have found out I am mentally ill.  One ex-colleague in my last job was scared that I would attack him with a chainsaw, which of course I would never do.  But that is the mood set of some people if they have never experienced first hand mental health issues.  I just hope for the day when it won’t be shameful to be open about mental illness.

A skeptical Skeptic.

After having some neat piece of advertising on the HPANWO radio show last night which added no extra traffic to this flop of a blog I had asked to be referred to as a ‘Skeptical Skeptic’.  Ben did ponder as to what one was even after saying it was an apt name on facebook.  I suppose it means awkwardly skeptical, in other words unless you can prove something with extraordinary evidence I won’t believe you.

If I saw the loch ness monster appear before my eyes I still wouldn’t believe it until it was captured and  analyzed to prove it was indeed a cryptozoological creature.   Or I would imagine I was hallucinating.  Even if I had taken 800 mg of quetiapine everyday for ten years I would assume the drug was not working.  Why?  Because that is more plausible.  What if others witnessed such an event?  Well they too would be hallucinating.  The thing is I don’t want to believe in anything that goes against scientific inquiry or the scientific method.  Why?  Because it is sloppy and lazy to just make fiction up and pass it off as fact.

That is what most of the conspiracy world is; poorly written fiction.   You can have a hard on over aliens hiding in RAF bunkers or planes pumping out toxic fumes to poison us all, that includes fluoride as well.  It doesn’t even make for a decent storyline, yet people gobble it up, but why?   Perhaps it makes sense in someone else’s mind other than my own.  Perhaps it correlates in some bizarre fashion.  It clicks for them and makes some ‘sane’ connections.  Doesn’t make it true though.  I’d love to know what percentage of the online world is made up of these disastrous brains spewing vomit all over people’s consciousnesses.  The David Icke Forum is a good place to start; full of wretched souls trying to make uneducated hamfisted guesses at how the Universe works.  Sometimes real science is used to explain poor science and that is why it remains on the DIF and not in some peer-reviewed journal.

So there is nothing wrong with being skeptically skeptical.  I think it is healthy and interesting because science is intriguing without adding ladles of sloppy bullshit.   To add HPANWO is nothing but the opinions of one man called Ben who just picks certain news articles each day and adds a bit a wikipedia research to it then a touch of conspiratorial bent.

He is a woo a wooing!

‘Minor’ composers Part one.

Hidden behind Beethoven, Schubert and Mozart are a clutch of composers who really deserve more attention.  Most are so obscure and overshadowed by the aforementioned greats, but they really are fine musicians and I want to see if I can improve their profile.

First up is Muzio Clementi (1752-1832).  He influenced Beethoven and composed many beautiful pieces, mainly piano sonatas and the amazing Gradus Ad Parnassum.

 First four studies

My favourite Clementi piano sonata

The Op.50 and Op.40 sets are incredibly underrated sonatas and deserve more attention.

Next was a pupil and friend of Beethoven, Ferdinand Ries. His set of eight symphonies are a testament to finding a voice of his own which was difficult considering the grandness of Beethoven.

Symphony No.5

Ries also wrote many piano sonatas and piano concertos.

Mehul was a Fench composer that I have only recently discovered and what a gem his music is. The first movement of his first symphony in G minor pushes the limitations of the classical period to its zenith. The coda is particularly impressive.

Symphony No.1

Hummel is probably one of the better known ‘minor’ composers not to write a symphony. Yet he makes up for this in his two piano concertos (amongst others that are hard to come by). With a little more guile he could have ben on par with Schubert. He also composed nine piano sonatas that are worthy of their place in history especially the No.5 in F Sharp Minor.

Piano Sonata No.5

The bulk of Czerny’s output was mainly pedagogical, but he also composed several symphonies of which only four seem to have been recorded. My personal favourite in his first in C Minor. Vastly underrated.

Symphony No.1

In part II I will look at such gems as Dussek, Kozeluch and Kuhlua.

Novel now 70000 words!

The Audit of Cucumber Street

Depression forum

Follow this link to my new forum that is a place to discuss mental health issues, mainly depression and anxiety with a private journal area for members.

Another story

This scored 80 which I was rather pleased with. Sophie’s Journey

Piano Sonata in E flat major

I am quite pleased with this work:

It was started over twenty years ago and wasn’t until this year that I decided to complete it. I only had drafts for the first movement so the final two movements where conceived this year. There is no harm is being proud of something I am proud of this. It maybe getting performed next Monday which would be interesting to witness. This is through the Bunbury e-zine who are holding a small concert of my music and people’s poetry in Swansea.


This sort of thing sends my bullshit detectorphon of the scales.  Orgonite is just wankstain.  It is nothing but a waste of time and not even placebo at best.  Yet, some people swear by it.  It cures all ills, like mobile phone radiation, and other stuff.  When you look at it it is just some paperclips, and iron filings set in pretty resin, and shaped like a pyramid.  How can that function at all, it is so inaccurate it is unbelievable.

The origins of orgone date back to a chap called Wilhelm Reich. He was a mad professor who claimed he had found some new form of energy.  The FDA, rightly, got his ass banged up and he died in prison.  His ‘work’ was supposedly destroyed which begs the question, how do advocates of orgone know if they are doing the right thing or not?

This is an advocate or orgone.