Category Archives: Religion

An Atheist goes to heaven

Well, purgatory while their case was being assessed. Eventually, the time comes to be judged and they are taken from the abstract realm that is purgatory where everything is equal and grey. Obviously, due to being a non-believer our Atheist hero is sent to complete and utter damnation. They walk from the judgement area cursing Pascal and God as to why he never revealed himself better. Still, it does no good as the bearded deity rushes back to his game of draughts against Adolf (who was catholic).

Yet before entering hell-the entrance is marked with old cemetery gates-a man who looks like Graham Chapman stops our hero.

‘Seeing as you are not so bad, like some of the others in there, I don’t know they can be right shits at times, you are allowed a choice.’

Our hero feels blessed once more with freewill as there can’t be any determinism around here, beckons the man to reveal all.

‘Okay, well, you can burn in hell forever and ever but get a break every now and then to heal up somewhat, get all fit so you can burn again. Or go into a world that destroys your mental faculties but no physical pain but no respite. Choose quickly please for there is a queue, oh Mr Robertson, go straight through, so what will is be?’

This is a most absurd scenario as you could apply any countless caveats to countless situations. But it shows the concept of hell up for what is really is: asinine. Nothing but complete and utter asinine and all its synonyms. To feel pain you need a central nervous system at least and a brain and something to feel pain of like an arm or a leg. In other words, you need an Earth body to experience hell. A wispy floaty soul can’t feel anything, least exist. Also, where is the fuel coming from that is feeding the flames of perdition?

Nothing wrong with hell as some type of story, like in Lord of the Rings, but remember all round the world every day hundreds of millions, if not billions of children are being told they are going straight there if they don’t believe in God.

 

 

 

A conversation with a loving God

Wouldn’t that be the most nerve-racking thing imaginable? What would you say, or could you say, that wouldn’t result in you going to eternal damnation. But he is all loving and cares for every aspect of your life, every aspect. Yet you have to love him back in equal measures and he knows if your being sincere or not. Orwell’s Oceania doesn’t have a patch on old God. Anyway the conversation; something like this?

‘Hi God.’

Right straight away we are in trouble, that is probably too casual a greeting and not respectful enough for greeting an all-powerful deity. Although wouldn’t God be your best friend as well and that is how you greet friends? Right now I would be shitting blood orange bricks while peering through the gaps at the lapping flames and listening to the distant howls of agony. Okay, try again.

‘Hello God’

A bit better but it would sound contrived and forced and God wouldn’t like that. Unless you broke the ‘hello’ into two long syllables: first one high, second low. That might sound cheeky though. Try something else.

‘Alright God?’

Bloody hell no, don’t ask God questions this soon.

‘Your most revered Almighty Saviour.’

Better, but…it might seem creepy and again insincere. Does God want someone trying to lick his ring and smarm their way around him? Actually I don’t know, I suppose he must do as long as it isn’t insincere because remember God can read your mind before you have thought it. He actually knows everything you have done, what you are doing, and what you will do.

Anyway, there is no really sure way you can greet God without being zapped into hell, as far as I can see. But imagine how scared you would be meeting him? Good thing I never will have to go through such a stupid ordeal. The conversation couldn’t begin because he would have had the chat (that didn’t happen) with you before he met you.

I am pointing out the absurdities of there being such a creature and in our Universe it would be impossible. God breaks all the laws of physics but never shows us how it is done. People with faith seem to thing they can just use the ‘mysterious ways’, ‘we can’t know God’s mind’ lines, as if that is okay. Pile all the science books up that have ever been published and you would have a small mountain, take a slither of paper and the religious would write ‘God did it’, yes then we can shout ‘How?!’.

 

 

 

 

Brazil 1 Germany 7

This result is a shock, of course, but I did find some flimsy irony amongst all the crying and shaking heads. Most if not all of the Brazilian player prayed before kick-off. Well God must have been dissatisfied with the standard of praying and decided to sprinkle some magic football dust (invisible, of course) on the non praying, probably atheist, Germans. Then what did the boys on yellow do after the final whistle, after humiliating their country? They got on their knees and prayed even harder, for what I don’t know. Maybe not to get lynched on the way out.

To me this goes some way to proving that prayer doesn’t work. Last night was an experiment. Brazil could argue they got through all their other games with praying. No, praying didn’t do anything, Brazil just managed to use real people to score goals against other people. You see praying is a compulsive trait where the prayee feels they have to say thank you for every single thing in their life all the time. How would God manage to control the influx of ‘thank yous’ pouring into his inbox constantly everyday?

One good thing may come out of this; the sure increase in atheism in a very religious country.

 

 

 

Reasons why heaven is not really heaven

First post for a while because I couldn’t think of anything to write that was original. Yet I thought religion would be a good one to get me back on track when I was wandering to shitty streets of Dover. So I have produced a list of why the Christian heaven would be hell with fluffy clouds and harps.

1. What body do you have in heaven? The one that was mangled by a lorry on the M2 maybe the one you last had when departing reality. I expect you get to choose though, because God is nice like that. Then you would be stuck with it, forever.

2. That brings me onto the laws of physics. Do they apply in heaven? If you had a body it would change over time due to entropy and ageing. It seems like heaven is a place where God picks and chooses his laws to suit each particular situation. You can float on a cloud without the cloud dispersing yet your body stays exactly like it is. If scientists were allowed into heaven they might actually enjoy trying to figure out how eternal bliss works.

3. With so many people in heaven how does God make sure there is no friction between them? Everyone must be all singing and happy just because they are in the presence of something that must not be looked at. If someone was an asshole on Earth why would why be any different in heaven? They will be all the different denominations up there that suddenly become friends even though they disagreed with how to preach an ancient book on Earth.

4. The queue to get in. Millions of people die a day and St Peter is only one man. How does he manage to get through the actions of someone’s life before letting them in, without computers? I suppose if you have eternity it doesn’t matter but what do the faithful millions do when they realise they have a five million year wait, say? Remember they are not in the land of ecstasy yet and they will be shitting themselves thinking about about all the times they used the Lord’s name in vain, and praying (if they still can, but is an intriguing concept) they don’t descend to the land of atheists and freethinkers.

5. Do people eat and drink in heaven? If so then bodies must be made of cells that produce protein strings and enzymes to digest said food. So that is the part of science that is allowed in heaven. See, God can suspend the laws of nature when he wants. It’s so easy.

6. Christian soldiers. What do they do in heaven? Bloody march around all happy I expect, with bloody guns and military hats, singing and marching happy songs, keeping the levels of ecstasy brimming so high that people are in a Christmas morning mood forever.

7. Talking of ecstasy, that is caused by endorphins in the brain. Science again. How does God sustain this level of pleasure, that must take some effort. Thing is ecstasy wears off then people will feel miserable but it is heaven, no one is miserable. Depression is not allowed. So just be happy that you are meeting your maker, or makers ie your parents., possibly.

8. Don’t forget that while God is making the billions of people in heaven deliriously happy, he still has to respond to billions of prayers while causing earthquakes and tsunamis. God is a very busy, erm entity. So give him a break, he may have created every single thing in the Universe rather quickly he can’t, no he can do everything at once. Slowly, no quickly, hang on that’s pretty incredible.

9. It must be possible to be naughty in heaven. So you will go to hell, but maybe after a few meetings with Jesus. A chat over a cup of endorphins.

10. Heaven makes no fucking sense. It is like a fractal, or the concept is because there is not a shred of evidence to suggest such a place exists. No religious person could give a straight answer, because if they did they wouldn’t be religious.