Hello to the world of massive paragraphs and unfiltered stout self-referenced opinion. Welcome to the world of HPANWO Voice the blogging site of Ben Emlyn-Jones founder of HPANWO. If you don’t know him already then I will say he is an ex-portering conspiratorial researcher based in Oxfordshire. If you are reading this there is a pretty good chance you knew that anyway because this blog hardly ever gets updated, and if it does it is full of posts about JS Bach. Anyway, this is a simple guide, for the record, of how to blog it like Ben.
1. Strip naked. Put David Icke’s latest copy and paste feast in front of your wedding tackle or ladygarden and take a selfie in front of the mirror, or whatever. This will get your juices flowing.
2. Fire up your 15 year old laptop. After 45 minutes Windows 95 should have loaded up, than sign into AOL dial up.
3. After 30 minutes your blog template should emerge. Click on the Daily Mail website, bearing in mind pictures may take an hour to appear.
4. When all loaded up close your eyes and randomly scroll your mouse for a few seconds before planting your finger on the screen. Open you eyes. On whatever story your finger is on that is the theme of today’s blog.
5. Add conspiratorial slant to story. So if article is about, say, Jeremy Beadle’s childhood home being demolished to make room for a Tesco Extra state that he was bumped off by the Illuminati with this in mind, so he wouldn’t block the planning permission. You don’t have to make a very coherent confident link as your readers are generally imbeciles with a low IQ, anyway.
6. Next you need to explain very carefully, to pad out your blog entry, what a Tesco is and who Jeremy Beadle was. This will take up most of the exposition of your blog to form one huge motherfucking opening paragraph. You could say Tesco is a supermarket, say what a supermarket is and how Jeremy Beadle played practical jokes on people for TV. You will almost certainly need to explain what a joke is and its function in our modern society. This links nicely into the possible inclusion of a few jabs at political correctness gone mad. For no reason whatsoever add a touch of inequality fervour with a tinge of a misogynistic twist. Although this is up to you as it depends on how many levels you want to appeal to your reader.
7. So finish up always follow this simple formula. Always, and I mean always, leave the reader knowing it is all down to the Cultural Marxists taking over the country and mention the New World Order and Illuminati. But don’t ever over do it, you need to save something fresh for tomorrow’s blog. So that’s it, that’s all you need to know for how to create a perfect HPANWO blog of your own. Once you start accumulating a whole series of blogs you must start referencing yourself each time. After a year of Ben blogging you should include 6 or 7 references directly to your own work each day. This keeps the reader in your frame of mind that you are extremely knowledgeable above any other possible citation available in the whole world/cyber space.
Happy Benning, er I mean blogging! 😉