Monthly Archives: May 2014

Reasons why heaven is not really heaven

First post for a while because I couldn’t think of anything to write that was original. Yet I thought religion would be a good one to get me back on track when I was wandering to shitty streets of Dover. So I have produced a list of why the Christian heaven would be hell with fluffy clouds and harps.

1. What body do you have in heaven? The one that was mangled by a lorry on the M2 maybe the one you last had when departing reality. I expect you get to choose though, because God is nice like that. Then you would be stuck with it, forever.

2. That brings me onto the laws of physics. Do they apply in heaven? If you had a body it would change over time due to entropy and ageing. It seems like heaven is a place where God picks and chooses his laws to suit each particular situation. You can float on a cloud without the cloud dispersing yet your body stays exactly like it is. If scientists were allowed into heaven they might actually enjoy trying to figure out how eternal bliss works.

3. With so many people in heaven how does God make sure there is no friction between them? Everyone must be all singing and happy just because they are in the presence of something that must not be looked at. If someone was an asshole on Earth why would why be any different in heaven? They will be all the different denominations up there that suddenly become friends even though they disagreed with how to preach an ancient book on Earth.

4. The queue to get in. Millions of people die a day and St Peter is only one man. How does he manage to get through the actions of someone’s life before letting them in, without computers? I suppose if you have eternity it doesn’t matter but what do the faithful millions do when they realise they have a five million year wait, say? Remember they are not in the land of ecstasy yet and they will be shitting themselves thinking about about all the times they used the Lord’s name in vain, and praying (if they still can, but is an intriguing concept) they don’t descend to the land of atheists and freethinkers.

5. Do people eat and drink in heaven? If so then bodies must be made of cells that produce protein strings and enzymes to digest said food. So that is the part of science that is allowed in heaven. See, God can suspend the laws of nature when he wants. It’s so easy.

6. Christian soldiers. What do they do in heaven? Bloody march around all happy I expect, with bloody guns and military hats, singing and marching happy songs, keeping the levels of ecstasy brimming so high that people are in a Christmas morning mood forever.

7. Talking of ecstasy, that is caused by endorphins in the brain. Science again. How does God sustain this level of pleasure, that must take some effort. Thing is ecstasy wears off then people will feel miserable but it is heaven, no one is miserable. Depression is not allowed. So just be happy that you are meeting your maker, or makers ie your parents., possibly.

8. Don’t forget that while God is making the billions of people in heaven deliriously happy, he still has to respond to billions of prayers while causing earthquakes and tsunamis. God is a very busy, erm entity. So give him a break, he may have created every single thing in the Universe rather quickly he can’t, no he can do everything at once. Slowly, no quickly, hang on that’s pretty incredible.

9. It must be possible to be naughty in heaven. So you will go to hell, but maybe after a few meetings with Jesus. A chat over a cup of endorphins.

10. Heaven makes no fucking sense. It is like a fractal, or the concept is because there is not a shred of evidence to suggest such a place exists. No religious person could give a straight answer, because if they did they wouldn’t be religious.