Monthly Archives: October 2013

Is recurrent depression a degenerative disorder?

I want to make it clear from the start that I am a patient and not a professional and all views are mine unless otherwise stated.  I am merely using my own experiences to form a conclusion about recurrent depression.  Please seek professional advice if your symptoms are the same.

At the age of eighteen I was first diagnosed with depression and was prescribed lofepramine by my GP.  I was also physically healthy, weight wise, but depressed and anxious.  I look at myself now, overweight, cumbersome, bad back, full of aches and pains and wonder how much the depression has contributed to this.  Of course it could be said that it is my fault.  I’m the one who chose to eat.  Yes, but the depression took away the motivation to remain healthy.

Recurrent depression, as the name suggests, ebbs and flows throughout your life.  For weeks even months you can be fine and tick over in life, but you are never far away from another episode.  Sometimes it can be triggered, events in life get too stressful and it is your bodies way of saying ‘get out of there!’.  Just like you wouldn’t keep your hand on a hot surface for very long.  Or, episodes can occur for seemingly no reason.  These usually hit you slowly, you feel yourself go down hill.  Getting a good night’s sleep in more difficult with constant awakenings, and then a feeling of tiredness all day.  Motivation levels drops and you experience less pleasure from activities you used to enjoy.  Then along comes irritation.  I have started to shout at people who annoy me in the street or supermarket.  This, for me, happens over about two, three weeks, then the worst part of depression hits: self harm, suicidal ideation, and feelings of despair and hopelessness.  This is coupled with strong feelings of doom and anxiety.  All this while still taking all the medications.  Depression is like Japanese Knotweed; it will find a way through any barriers.

So it is dealing with these issues.  The correct port of call is the GP or mental health clinic.  Yet you have to wonder that there is not a lot they can do apart from juggle your meds about again.  That in itself could make the problem worse and take weeks if not months.  You have to taper off one before starting another and then you have the suicidal thoughts before the new drug kicks in.  I don’t think I want to go through that again.  The wrong way of coping is drink and drugs.  Drink has always been my problem.  I like a drink sometimes but it was a problem over seven years ago.  I blotted out the pain by drinking every night.  Thankfully, I haven’t done my body too much harm, my liver is OK, but it made me put on weight.  Obesity is going to lead to diabetes (I am borderline diabetes) and heart problems.

So the depression has indirectly lead me to have a unhealthy disposition.  I am nearly thirty six and dread to think what I will be like in ten, fifteen years. Of course I need to just snap out it.  I thought I could do that ten years ago but I couldn’t without the crutches of alcohol, tobacco (given that up, thankfully), sugar, and a high fat diet.  Also what does an episode of depression do to the brain itself?  The very organ that is keeping you alive and functioning is consuming itself.  Is there real physical damage done to brain cells.  For one thing I can have a terrible short term memory, forgetting things very quickly.  Long term is generally ok, but has the depression caused irreversible damage to the brain’s ability to store short term memories.  Maybe not I don’t know.  Perhaps all the medications are harm full in the long term, but they could be the one thing that is keeping you alive.

In conclusion, I decided to drink and over eat yet depression has to take some of the blame.  I wish I could blame something concrete because then I may be able to reverse it.  If it was that easy depression wouldn’t be the terrible problem it is for millions of people.


The black dog made a prolonged visit to my shoulder last week and has left residual puppies stranded there in his wake.  I don’t know why it keep happening, I take enough pills to combat it, I exercise, and try to be careful with what I eat.  This is an ongoing thing, though, as I remember mentioning this to a psychiatric nurse.  All he could say was it was the nature of the illness.  Which made me think that the best you can ever hope for is to reach remission.  Depression can flash back in an instant.  Although it is a slower process for me.  First comes the sleep problems, always waking and lucid dreams, then I get more irritable and annoyed with people, then the feelings of everything is futile, then suicidal thoughts and self harm.

It comes in that nice little package.  I’m sick of going to doctors all the time.  Having to explain myself over and over.  Not being taken seriously is also something that seems to occur yet I null this with the thought they wouldn’t put me on all these meds for nothing.  What is prevalent though is the negative ideals.  I cancel and simplify things down to ‘everything is pointless’.  Just like this post.  Utterly ridiculous.

Every now and then certain newspapers run stories about the amount of people taking psychiatric drugs.  I can’t understand why they do that, you never see articles about how many people take clonidine for high blood pressure.  There is something that bothers that section of society, people on antidepressants are ill just like anyone else, why the nasty write ups.  It also winds me up when they call antidepressants ‘happy pills’, they don’t make you happy they remove the symptoms of melancholy.  There is a subtle but important difference.

Anyway, I’ll leave it at that and wallow in my own self pity a bit more.

The modern day job

I had a walk down the town today and I walked back again.  Boots the chemist was heaving so I gave up trying, will go back tomorrow.  There always seems to be loads of staff yet the queue never seems to move.  Not to worry, they are always helpful in there so I won’t try to be too upset.  Anyway, on my walk back I was crossing at a busy junction when saw a chap standing there holding a sandwich board.  He had a terribly sad face, and was advertising a local Car Wash, like we need any more in Dover.  What a waste of a human I thought. To stand there and hold a sign.  There is sometimes another bloke who does the same in Pencester Road advertising Subway.  I even saw some  poor soul advertising on the A303 in the rain for some poxy pub.  The trouble is these people are being forced to accept increasingly shitty jobs.  It is a vicious circle for the more we accept them the more those rat faced money grabbing bastards who run these firms will implement them by blackmail.  For you see you have few employment rights if you have been in a job less then a year.  After that is fine, go to town.  But before a year they have your hairy nuts hovering over a clamp.  They bloody got you boy.

Now that sad faced man I saw this morning has not been with whatever firm it is was for a year.  They probably offered him cash in hand work at 4/5 quid an hour and he had no choice.  We did make eye contact very briefly and I absorbed some of his misery.  I’ve been there, not advertising, but I’ve had shit jobs, been covered in dog shit just before lunch, etc.

Dover is now a pitiful town.  It has about thirty plus take away joints, about eight bookmakers, several car washing gigs, and numerous other crap like tick shops and mini fruit machine places.  Oh and a few tattooists.  No nice shops, no book shops apart form WHSmiths.  Everything is crud, and devoid of being interesting.  Yet the town is always packed.


Now the thing companies are increasingly using are zero hour contracts. Probably devised by some bullshit legal wanker that has managed to circumvent employment law.  Every time a government firms up the law someone finds a way around it.  People are lift with no option to accept it.  The working class are getting screwed by the middle class, who are doing the upper class’ bidding.  All the while you can’t find enough money to eat do they start hounding you for payment of something else.  I’ve known these middle class twats in jobs.  Some treated me like shit so I did the same back.  I thought an inner battle, like not giving a shit about their poxy contracts and just doing enough to keep the job.

Anyway, I hope someone took that poor bloke a cup of tea, and let him go to the toilet!

Guernsey 2 Dover 3

Well off we drove to Lancing, near Brighton, for this re-arranged FA cup tie against who sides who’ve never met before, which is happening to Guernsey every week.  Thankfully, time wise, technology such as google maps saved my parents and me sitting in hours of traffic jams, and my dad’s sat nav renegotiated the way from Ashford along the windiest A roads possible.  I am awfully car sick.  For this journey I took a travel pill, didn’t eat much before leaving, and bought plenty of old bags to store the sick, which took a while coming but it did.  I love being sick because that is the end of the nausea, well until the inner ear decides to get continually confused and tell stomach to chunder some more.

Anyway, we still got there with plenty of time to spare and a decent parking space too.  Nice surprise to see it was only eight pound to get in, with a stupid bag search which was unnecessary but still no point making a fuss.  The ground it self is typical county level with a nice main stand with all the facilities and the rest of the ground just the bare basics, no additional terracing.  I must though say how lush the pitch looked, like a billiard table, and dare I say a touch better then Crabbles this year.

Onto the game it self, well Dover controlled the first have with consummate ease and racked up a 2-0 lead that should have been so much more.  After the break Guernsey pulled a goal back, then made it all square from the penalty spot.  Then Dover went straight up the other end to make it 3-2.  Guernsey should have had their goalkeeper sent off near the end after he bought down Bakare being the last man.  Fortunately it didn’t make any difference and we held out a different Guernsey side.  They really gave a good account of themselves in the second half, and possibly deserved a replay, possibly.  How far a team like Guernsey can progress I don’t know but they have a very good team them perhaps only lacking in height, but they more then make up for it in talent.  Dover look a better side, they came and did a job, it almost failed but we were always in control for 90% of the time.

I wasn’t sick on the way home, and slept for most of it.